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Are You Over-Functioning or Under-Functioning?  How Are The Scales Tipped in Your Family?

According to Bowen Family Systems Theory, it is important for us to look at emotional functioning in terms of a whole family vs. focusing on the difficulties of one identified family member. To get an even bigger picture we need to look at the emotional functioning processes of several generations!  Patterns of interacting are often passed on from one family to the next, and birth order has an influence too.

What Are Some Characteristics of Over-functioning?

• Giving advice
• Doing things for others that they are capable of doing for themselves
• Worrying about others
• Feeling responsible for others
• Believing that you know what is best for others
• Talking more than listening
• Planning goals for others that they don’t have as goals for themselves
• Experiencing sudden periods of “burnout”     (p.67, Extraordinary Relationships by Roberta M. Gilbert)

What Are Some Characteristics of an Under-Functioning?

• Asking for advice vs. thinking something through independently
• Getting others to help, when help is not really needed
• Acting irresponsibly
• Listening more than talking
• Setting goals but not following through
• Floating without much direction
• More likely to become mentally or physically ill
• Higher tendency to become addicted to substances     (p. 67, Extraordinary Relationships by Roberta M. Gilbert)

One may be over-functioning in one environment, yet under-functioning in another environment, or the roles may switch depending on situations.  Interestingly, according to family systems theory, partners in relationships are as emotionally mature as each other, otherwise they wouldn’t attract each other.

It Takes Two!

Although, it may appear as though the Over-functioner is more “together”, family systems theory points out that the “success” of the Overfunctioner is based on taking on the “functioning side” of the other person.

Meanwhile the Underfunctioner hands over responsibility for him/herself.

Therefore, the question is:  “What is my contribution to this relationship pattern?” (p.72, Extraordinary Relationships).  As each person becomes more aware of his/her pattern, a new action to be responsible for oneself will become possible.  The important point is not to blame but to recognize the dance and to focus on taking responsibility for one’s self.

Adlerian Parenting Theory and Building Capability

As I have mentioned in previous articles, one of the key concepts in Adlerian Parenting is the concept of building capability.  Helping our children to develop self-esteem through feeling capable is important for defining a sense of self.  It is empowering for children to discover their strengths, handle adversity, fall and get back up again, take part in family meetings, make goals and follow-through, take part in family chores, and be responsible for repairing their mistakes.  The 4C’s of Adlerian Parenting  (Reference: Bettner, B.L. & Lew, A. (1989). Raising Kids Who Can. Newton Ctr MA: Connexionx Press.) focusses on raising children who are Connected, Capable, Counted and Courageous which sets our children for success in understanding balance in relationships.

The Power of Autonomy and the Drive for Motivation

In my previous article on Intrinsic Motivations vs. Extrinsic Motivation, I highlight the research of Daniel Pink who explains how people in the work place are more motivated by challenge, mastery, making a contribution and the opportunity to be self-directed vs. a monetary bonus.  One can see how being more responsible for oneself is ultimately more intrinsically rewarding.

I hope you’ve enjoyed a restful and relaxing long weekend,

Warmly,