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I am currently feeling inspired by a new clinical course I’m taking this fall to learn about a relatively new kind of behaviour therapy called DBT (Dialetical Behaviour Therapy).  The term Dialectics/Dialectical is uncommon, but essentially means the tension between two opposites and finding the synergy.  For example, in our life we need to accept and we need to change, yet how do we find the balance between the two?

How Do We Balance Accepting and Changing Our Children?

On the one  hand we want to provide our children with unconditional acceptance, and on the other hand we see some behaviours which we know are limiting their potential.  Many parents are now aware that validating our children’s emotions is one of the fundamental principles in positive parenting, but so many times this gets forgotten as we try to rationalize, impose our opinion, not listen, or over-simplify.

Last Spring I made up this quote, based on a lot of reading I had done by Dr. Daniel Siegel.  I find that when I have little quotes like this in my mind, it helps me in the moment with my own children, and helps me when counselling parents.  If I remember, “Feelings first, Logics Last!” I am more likely to sit and really listen to my children’s perspective, without trying to change their mind.  If I can see that their behaviour is escalating and I ask for them to explain what they’re thinking and feeling at that moment, it can quickly dissipate the emotional reactivity.

As Dr. Daniel Siegel says…

Once I have heard their feelings, I will validate them and summarize back what I heard.

For example,

“I hear you.  You are really mad that I’m sending an email when I just told you that it was time for you to finish on your iPad.”

“You’re telling me that you’ve had an awful day, and feeling really upset and just want to have a quiet evening.”

“You and your brother/sister have just had a big argument and now you are so angry, you wish that she had never been born”.

The important message is that it’s okay to have big, strong feelings, but not to have accompanying aggressive behaviours toward others or property.  For some children, just talking about their feelings may be enough for them to calm down, others may choose to lie on their bed and give themselves some calm-down time, whilst others may have a different calming down space or activity in your home.  If one’s child does become aggressive then setting limits is absolutely necessary.

“I see you’re really mad and it’s okay to be angry but it’s not okay to kick the wall.  You can go and kick the soccer ball in the garage or jump on the trampoline but it’s not okay to kick house property.”   *Note the importance of giving appropriate alternatives which will provide a similar release.

What Are the Three Types of Emotionally Invalidating Families?

According to Marsha Linehan, the psychologist who developed DBT, the three types of invalidating families are:

1) The “Chaotic” family: the needs of the children in these families are invalidated.  There is too much chaos to be present and attentive to the child’s emotional world

2) The “Perfect” family: the parents in these families may not be able to tolerate negative emotional responses from their children, perhaps due to

i) other stress and demands that the parent is coping with

ii) an inability to be around negative emotions (which makes me think of the yellow happy face symbol we are all familiar with…always be happy!)

 

iii) self-centeredness

iv) irrational worries that being emotionally attuned to a child with a challenging or sensitive temperament, will spoil the child

3) The Typical Family:  Western Culture promotes an emphasis on achievement and mastery.

The “suck it up” attitude is often considered the best way to deal with one’s feelings.  Although, this kind of controlling of one’s emotions attitude may work for some kids, it can be very detrimental to a temperamentally more sensitive or vulnerable child. For the more emotionally vulnerable child, even a slightly invalidating family can lead to the child becoming more emotional and vulnerable. ~ M. Linehan (1993a)

Emotionally connecting and validating with your child creates emotional growth.

I hope you have an opportunity to emotionally connect with your child/children today,

Warmly,

 

 

 

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